


Unknown Heartache

by Detavot



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: 2CT, AU where O!Ciel was sacrificed in R!Ciel's stead but R!Ciel has forgotten, And I just got inspired, Anime, But I can't think of the two separated by now so, Ciel Phantomhive Has a Twin, Enjoy the acid trip this fic is, Gen, I think anime!Ciel was supposed to be r!ciel as an only child?, I watched the anime again, Manga, Manga & Anime, anime!Ciel has some problems, anime!Ciel thinking about manga!Ciels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-02 14:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14547066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Detavot/pseuds/Detavot
Summary: Since he was born, Ciel Phantomhive has always felt like something (or someone) was missing in his life.And maybe, just maybe, he has finally found his missing other half.





	Unknown Heartache

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sick and I wrote this at, like, 3 am. Please forgive my trash ideas and fanfics. 
> 
> By the way, that Baldroy's thoughts series I'm working on is proving to be really difficult. Ugh, I've dug myself a pretty deep hole.

    Since he was ten years old, Ciel Phantomhive had learned to hate and hold grudges, to use his burning hatred as a leverage. He was a king of vergence and his crown was made with golden sorrow, his throne high and mighty enough to make others bend their knees. His family (he felt an odd feeling when he thought about them, almost as if someone was missing), his servants, his life had been taken from him; leaving him with a void in his chest--a void the demon had been so eager to fill, a void that was only darkened by this shadow of Hell and was ripping everything dear to him into shreds. His soul was marked, much like his eye. He was nothing but property, he knew, and he reveled in this pæany the crackling Hellfire sang and this collar that symbolised his death. A victory wrought in despair and anguish, a hollow toll of a rusted iron bell. Oh, how he loved it. To him, his revenge smelled of roses and everything nice; the darling Lady Elizabeth was but an afterthought.

    His sun was right here, cloaked in black. The one who had saved him, the one he had sacrificed a nobody to summon. A worthless sacrifice for his priceless revenge, God’s final smile at him in his (supposedly) final moments and Ciel had utilised it to his every advantage. Not even God, ruler of both this world and the one beyond, had interfered with this child who ruled over games. Ciel wanted to laugh at the thought but his fiancée was talking about Madame Red again, and it would not do for him to laugh in the face of his dead aunt.

    “ _You shouldn’t have been born in the first place!_ ” Madame Red had shouted on that dark night. Ordinarily, Ciel wouldn't have spared the words of dead men a second thought; but there was something unordinary about this case. Of course, he had known of Madame Red’s love for his father, the late Earl Vincent Phantomhive, but therein lay the problem: Ciel wasn’t sure _how_ he knew. When thinking of his past, he remembered laughing with Lizzy and looking at the pretty flowers, sky, sun--anything but the hidden feelings and conversations of adults. So, how had he known? And why had Madame Red compared him to his mother instead of his father? Ciel had always resembled his father more, Ciel had counted on that resemblance many times in these three years.

    Something was off.

    Ciel had started to hear voices and feel unseen presences. Sometimes, the voice would giggle in such a gentle way. Sometimes, the voice was angry and would tell him how cruel he was being. The presence he felt was comforting, familiar. Everything about the situation made Ciel uncomfortable, and he had realised with dawning horror that he was too frightened to ask even Sebastian for his help and opinion.

    When he had met the sibling ghosts, he’d felt a deep pain in his chest. He had stared at the little one’s kind eyes, the older’s protective stance. The two would die for one another, he had thought. The two lived for one another, and their love was what kept them in this world still. “I want him to go to Heaven, at least,” King Edward had said, a gentle smile on his face. “I want him with Mother, Father, and God. It doesn't matter if I’m left alone.”

    Ciel had understood, but he didn't know why. He was suddenly inside that cage again, sacrificing the nameless boy on the altar--but the boy wasn't nameless. The boy meant something. The boy who he had previously thought of as a nobody now left a searing wound deep in his fractured soul and mind. _I wanted him to go to Heaven,_ Ciel thought and tears came to his eyes. _I don't know who he is or why I’m feeling this way, but I wanted him to go to Heaven. And now, he doesn't exist anymore._  He blinked his eyes, clearing the tears, and felt horror at the fact that a nameless boy could bring him such sorrow.

    _You’re horrible, Ciel,_ the gentle (and so frighteningly familiar) voice said with a pout he could somehow hear. _You promised to never forget._ Big, blue eyes just like his. Warm and kind in a way he himself couldn't be. A small but genuine smile on his face even in sickness. _Don't forget me, Ciel, your thoughts of me is all I can ever be._

    Ciel Phantomhive screamed in the middle of the night, waking up. His whole body was on fire, there was a hollowness in his chest, his stomach was bleeding, he was so cold, so hot, so empty. But, beneath all the pain and anguish, he was happy--and that was what scared him most. Sebastian and his servants were by his side immediately. Sebastian. Sebastian had… Ciel… The boy… “Get out!” he screamed at Sebastian. “Get out, get out, _get out_!” _It’s so hard to differentiate when you’re ordering and when you’re making conversation,_ Sebastian had once said. To whom, though? It didn't matter. “That's an order, get out!” Baldroy, Mey-Rin, Finnian and Tanaka stayed with him. Tanaka… _Lord Ciel, he… Stay away… You can't see this..._

    _Don't trust him,_ the boy’s voice said. _Don't trust Gramps, he can barely take care of himself. Don't trust the fake, he doesn't know us._ Small arms hugged him from behind and took his hands. _Don't worry, I’m still here. Trust me. I’ll protect you. I_ have _protected you._

    Ciel calmed his breathing, and tried to regain control over his body and mind. The pain was gone, but his mind was in shambles. There were some memories in it that weren't his, he was sure of it. He had never shared his bed with anyone but his parents, and even that hadn't been so frequent. He had never watched from the window sill, not when it was so bright outside and there were so many games to play on the soft, green grass. The name Finnian was not said from his lips, he had never liked the story of Finnian that much to begin with. He had never cried for the boy on the altar, he had never gone to Germany.

     _Are you quite sure?_

    He had once loved Lizzy, though he wasn't sure he was capable of such an emotion since that month. He knew he had once loved Lizzy with all his heart; it was what he counted on, sometimes, to hold himself together. But this new emotion was foreign, this new emotion he felt towards her scared him. For what reason would he ever pity his betrothed? Why did he feel regret, why did he feel so much guilt and pity when he thought about her?

    “Young Master?” Finnian asked, kneeling beside the bed and gently taking the boy’s hands. Ciel had to admit he was surprised that the blonde could control his strength so well. “Sometimes, sharing my nightmares makes me feel safe and no longer lonely. Would you like to try?” Ciel looked into those green eyes and saw blue, he listened to the strange accent and heard only the voice plaguing his mind. _We share everything, Ciel. Please tell me your nightmare?_

    Ciel Phantomhive began to cry. He was sobbing, mucus and tears were mixing and dropping onto the bed. He would have felt mortified if he wasn't so… so… sad? No, angry. Angry at the world, angry at the boy on the altar, angry at Sebastian, angry at himself. He sobbed and hugged Finnian tightly, burying his face into the blonde’s neck. If he closed his eyes, he could pretend. If he closed his eyes, he could be taken back to that night just before their tenth birthday--he was desperate for even just a second of that comfort and happiness. Guilt, masks, lies be damned. He didn't care.

    Pluto howled at the moon, Sebastian watched from the shadows, his servants hugged him and whispered sweet nothings, Tanaka looked like he also wanted to cry. Ciel didn't pay attention to any of them. _Masks and lies are so tedious, aren't they?_ the voice said. Ciel could see him, sitting on the window sill with the story of Finnian on his lap. _They are your swords and shields, but you are only a child. Sometimes, you have to let them down._ The boy on the altar looked at the bright sky, then the green grass. He watched Ciel, Lizzy and the adults. Their emotions and intentions were easy for him to read. The boy coughed blood and smiled kindly, then turned to Ciel as his very reflection. No, they were different even if every part of them looked the same, this boy was a bit more shy and gentle.

    And Ciel knew instinctively that the boy was his missing half.

    _It’s a beautiful day out,_ the boy said with a bright grin which could rival the sun. _Why don't you play in the garden with Lizzy?_ His lips didn't move to make the words but his voice echoed in the empty hallway so realistically, Ciel could almost believe this was actually happening. _Almost_. 

    “No,” Ciel said and took the boy’s hands in his. “I’d much rather play chess with you.”

    Earl Ciel Phantomhive finally felt whole. _Finnian is a nice name, isn't it?_ his other half said with such admiration. _Stronger, faster, smarter,_ better _. I once wanted to be like him._

 _You're already better,_ Ciel thought with a genuine grin. It had been three years since he had ever felt happy.


End file.
